You Are A New Mom, It's All In Your Head: Part II

So we made it HOME. All the magical happiness of motherhood was going to start flying out my ass and sprinkle down on everyone. Haha... Right...

My husband and I live where family support was limited. We were alone with her, with no help, already very exhausted from the NICU stay. I was very, very alone in my own drugged out mind. No help from mom but that is a different story. My husband and I could do it! We lived through a long distance relationship, medical school, residency, pharmacy school, a house fire and an emergency c-section WE CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!

Things were exhausting as I expected.  Keeping a three hour around the clock feeding and pumping schedule was easier at home vs. the NICU. I didn't have to wake up from my 1.5 hours of sleep and walk a good half a mile to the NICU in the freezing cold while still recovering from the c-section. This was an improvement!

We went on like this for a few weeks. I tried to breastfeed but was obsessed with knowing how much she got. She would only feed on the breast of ~10 minutes. It was too exhausting for her. So I continued to not sleep for the sake of her getting that yummy BM. We were instructed for fortify her BM to 22 cal. But something wasn't sitting right with me. I noticed she became increasingly fussy, spitty, gassy, crabby on the fortified BM. So I cut it out and she continued to grow. No harm. A step towards a more natural approach of feeding.

 

Kwashi only did better for a short time. She eventually started to fuss again and take longer and longer to feed. I was so insane about feeding her and pumping. I cut out dairy and soy. My weight was drastically dropping and I was starting to lose my milk supply when she was two months old. Pumping for 10 plus hours a day and trying to feed her for the same amount of time left everyone with little to no sleep.

I questioned reflux. We got the swallow test and an upper gi to see if she had any anatomical issue. All normal. The doctor wouldn't give me reflux meds based on the test. She encouraged me to stop pumping for my own mental health and relax. I begged to differ about the reflux since I watch Kwashi puke in her mouth and swallow it many times a day. Kwashi's refusal to eat became such an issue in the house my husband, who is in the medical proffession, consulted the only GI doctor at our children's hospital. The GI doc said she most likely had microaspriation that the test didn't pick up and we needed to thicken her feeds. He advised I stop breastfeeding and switch to formula to make thickening easier. Breastmilk breaks down thickeners. I was insane from little sleep. It all sounded like a wonderful plan. But we all know now what I wish I would have known then.