Yeah, I can say it... I am depressed. And who wouldn't be? Sleep really doesn't happen. Well, it does but I don't sleep for longer than 3 hour periods. Food, feedings, supplements, medications, etc are always on my mind. Worry and gilt plague me daily. Angry riddles every facet of my mind. Angry is always my first emotion. But this is the first time it has grated down to full blown depression and it sucks. I haven't turned to meds. Some close friends have asked and I just say they are not for me. I get that bewildered look from my friends. That look of "If I was in your shoes I would ask the doctor to snow me out of my mind." I turned back to food, that is my drug of choice. This has only caused me to feel even worse about my body image. I feel like utter CRAP. I ache. I have acne. My gi tract is a mess (oh something you really care about). My clothes aren't fitting right. I am puffy. I don't have the energy to deal with Kwash. I am FALLING APART.
I lost so much weight after the birth of Evelyn. Thing is I was so stressed feeding her all the time, I never ate. Fast forward to Christmas time when things seemed to calm a bit, I found food and it found me!
Chocolate, sugar, processed crap. I even started sneaking FAST FOOD. If you know me, you know how I feel about fast food. It is disgusting, terrible for you. BUT OH MAN does it give you a buzz. Yes, food makes me feel high. If not for a short period of time, at least I could escape for those few moments while Kwashi slept and I chowed down.
But I can't do it anymore. It is a vicious cycle. The food feeds my fattiness which feeds my depression which feeds my need to seek out terrible foods to try and forget my kid can't eat food. F'ed up, I know...
So now I have made the effort of get off this crap I would NEVER feed my child. How can I help her if I cannot help myself?
OH the pre-e body habitus (31 weeks).
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