Don't Mind My Depression

Yeah, I can say it... I am depressed. And who wouldn't be? Sleep really doesn't happen. Well, it does but I don't sleep for longer than 3 hour periods. Food, feedings, supplements, medications, etc are always on my mind. Worry and gilt plague me daily. Angry riddles every facet of my mind. Angry is always my first emotion. But this is the first time it has grated down to full blown depression and it sucks. I haven't turned to meds. Some close friends have asked and I just say they are not for me. I get that bewildered look from my friends. That look of "If I was in your shoes I would ask the doctor to snow me out of my mind." I turned back to food, that is my drug of choice. This has only caused me to feel even worse about my body image. I feel like utter CRAP. I ache. I have acne. My gi tract is a mess (oh something you really care about). My clothes aren't fitting right. I am puffy. I don't have the energy to deal with Kwash. I am FALLING APART.

I lost so much weight after the birth of Evelyn. Thing is I was so stressed feeding her all the time, I never ate. Fast forward to Christmas time when things seemed to calm a bit, I found food and it found me!

Chocolate, sugar, processed crap. I even started sneaking FAST FOOD. If you know me, you know how I feel about fast food. It is disgusting, terrible for you. BUT OH MAN does it give you a buzz. Yes, food makes me feel high. If not for a short period of time, at least I could escape for those few moments while Kwashi slept and I chowed down.

But I can't do it anymore. It is a vicious cycle. The food feeds my fattiness which feeds my depression which feeds my need to seek out terrible foods to try and forget my kid can't eat food. F'ed up, I know...

So now I have made the effort of get off this crap I would NEVER feed my child. How can I help her if I cannot help myself?

OH the pre-e body habitus (31 weeks).

Bitter Can Often Be Sweet

Today was the day we have been waiting for, Kwashi was to see her new GI doctor. I have been a wreck about it for a week. So why were we to see a new doc...? Her issues were all behavioral right, says her old gi doc. Well feeding therapy were in agreement there was an underlying pathology causing Kwashi's feeding refusal.

The office visit started as usual with a fellow and a medical student. Her  history and physical took almost an hour to complete. Remember this has been going on for 15 months. The doctors left the room and I paced. Looking at my husband, playing with the baby... Then the doctor came in.

He was a nice Hindi man. Introducing himself and intently examining our toddler. He didn't say much for a while. He did a physical exam and interacted with Kwashi. I could tell he was happy with her development. In children with feeding refusal the concern can point towards  autism or sensory processing issues. He had no concern after interacting with our little ham. Sitting down he just came out and said it, " Your daughter has something called FPIES, Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome." I tried not to cry... I knew this already! I have been saying it for a year! That is why I was here?! I really did try to hold it all in but I kinda stopped listening. I don't know if he went into explaining what it was but I just started crying. Every past doctor just looked at me like, WHAT?! That's super rare, she doesn't vomit to shock. No way, No How. Well crap faces I know more than you! Sad. Open I book. Do your CME on something other than the normal. Seriously. Take a MOM SERIOUS. 

Not every kid will out grow their reflux, allergies, insert whatever issue your child may have by 3, 6, 9, 12 months. For 12 months I questioned the corn in her formula? Corn in her meds... Food in general. Chronic FPIES??? NOPE I was told. Impossible. "NO kid reacts to elemental formula. The corn protein is taken out." I am not going to get into detail about the conversation. Basically her doctor felt she is not at baseline and the formula is the cause of many of her food fails......... OH STING! Mommy guts are generally right.

So what do we do with this new diagnosis? How does this change the game? It doesn't. There is no test, no intervention. The intervention is removing the irritant. And that my friend is a tricky, tricky beast. I don't know how to feel at this moment in time. A bit numb, a bit angry, a bit paralyzed with fear. You would think hearing it would make me feel better, make me feel validated. It doesn't. It leads to more questions unanswered.

Remember you are your child's greatest advocate. I would have took her to the moon to see her new GI. I would spend every dime we have to make her gut a happy place... But none of that matter because time is all we have. Time and our love for our Kwashi.